With the Kremlin again trying to convince the world that Russia is a "traditional values" paradise for Westerners…

With the Kremlin again trying to convince the world that Russia is a "traditional values" paradise for Westerners looking to relocate, I figured I'd again share some of the very real stories of those who did relocate and just how well that worked out for them. 🧵

The Vatniks in the Rye In January 2024, sick and tired of Canada's too many gender-neutral toilets, a conservative Canadian couple decided to keep things simple and move to a country with fewer indoor toilets altogether, Russia. Having burnt all their bridges, sold all their possession, and speaking exactly zero Russian, off they went to farm in Siberia. Another reason behind this dumb decision was the increasing amount of immigrants apparently encroaching on their middle-of-nowhere, off grid farm in Canada. In an epic testament of FAFO, they will go on to discover Russians do not speak English either and have the exact same views on immigrants who can't speak the language as they do. Being one of the very few trying to get in instead of trying to get out, they quickly became a media sensation in Russia for a couple of days, until everyone got bored and forgot about them. They will go on to have all their funds frozen by Russian banks, who rightfully found it suspicious that someone would actually do what they just did. Trying to get their funds unfrozen would lead them to get acquainted with a lesser-known piece of Russian legislation, one that gives banks a free pass on providing a multilingual hotline. Ironically, they were advocating for a similar law back in Canada. After this experience, the couple will post a video titled "I'm very disappointed in this country" which, for reasons completely unrelated to FSB, got deleted and replaced with a "WE ARE SORRY AND WILL DO BETTER!", all in caps, video. Since, the couple appears to have made peace with being stuck in Russia and is spending most of their days posting videos praising Russian farming equipment stores and tractors.

A Vatnik's Guide to the Galaxy In May 2023, having had enough of the decadent LGBTQ EU, a Slovak man, whom I shall name Flipper for a very particular reason that will later become apparent, decided to deal a severe blow to the Western world by moving to the promised land, Russia. Sometimes, all it takes for a vatnik to have a change of heart is as little as walking across 5 borders, swimming across a river into Russia, running into FSB, spending some time in the Russian penal system, and getting extradited. This will be a grand epic of FAFO and redemption. Flipper is a trained musician skilled in playing the cello and piano and composing operas and symphonies, a talent he put to good use by creating timeless pieces of art such as "Long Live Russia" and several "Odes to Putin". Possibly unaware that Russia has an embassy in Slovakia and is quite happy to legally welcome dumbasses such as him, Flipper made his way across Europe on foot and eventually reached Estonia, where he figured swimming across the half frozen Narva River is his best bet. Shortly after stepping foot on Russian territory, hypothermic but excited, he took off his floating ring and attempted to impress the FSB agents who picked him up by showing them his pro-Russian songs. Presumably unimpressed, they proceeded to beat him to a pulp. confiscate his phone, accuse him of being a Western spy, and quickly throw him in jail. He would write in his prison diary, with much surprise: "They arrested me and put me in a cell with 60 people. The toilet was a hole in the ground, like an open sewer. I used to put cotton wool in my ears so that the bugs wouldn't get in, we even had rats in some of the cells and the prison authorities never did anything about it." Fortunately, Flipper would only spend 2 months in Russia as the Slovakian diplomacy was able to bring their dumb prodigal son back home. Reflecting on his time in the Russian prison, he expressed his empathy for Ukrainian prisoners, believing that they must suffer immensely. He criticized the treatment they receive, describing it as barbaric.

The Vatnik Manifesto In 2014, a Texas man decided to leave his comfortable US life behind and crowdfund his way into Donbas on a "fact-finding mission". His "mission" will take a decade to complete but I'm happy to let you all know it appears to have just now been concluded, after having found those "facts". Born in the 60s, this lone red cowboy flirted with the idea of socialism since his teenage years. Later on, just as all of Cuba was trying to get into the US, he was trying to get into Cuba, which he eventually succeeded in doing. Having seen firsthand the level of poverty and lack of even the most basic of freedoms in the country, he ditched socialism and became an outright full-fledged communist. Upon his return to the US, after a very failed attempt at becoming a US Senator, he did what any good Marxist would and started a drug smuggling and distribution business. His little enterprise went about as well as communism did, and will end with him being convicted to 5 years and 3 months in prison. After spending about 5 years and 2 months in prison and with just about a month left before his release, he took a cold hard look at the math of his dilemma and decided to escape. He will go on to spend almost 9 years as a wanted fugitive, mostly because nobody really bothered to look for him. He will eventually get caught in 2007 and will be sent away to serve the remaining month. Eventually, he will be taken captive and meet his end at the hands of drunk Russian troops, the same Russian soldiers he fought alongside since 2015. Following a decade of looking for Nazis in Ukraine, he will finally find them.

All Quiet on the Vatnik Front In early 2024, a tourist from Slovakia figured joining the Russian army would be his best bet at a long and stable career and meaningful employment. After having signed a contract for a back-end job which promised not to send him to the front line, the Russians kept their part of the bargain and immediately sent him to the front line, alongside a unit full of foreign nationals which signed similar contracts that promised they would not be sent to the frontline. Before seeking a job with the world's worst employer, he spent his time consuming Russian propaganda while traveling all over the world, having visited and lived in places such as Costa Rica, Nepal and Britain. In a bid to prove that common sense and coherence are vastly overrated, he also visited Ukraine several times and very much enjoyed his stay, growing fond of the people he would later sign up to bomb. Having picked up some sort of esoteric form of Hinduism along his travels, which, combined with the vast amounts of Russian propaganda consumed, gave him a sudden urge to acquire a hut and go farm in Siberia. In a moment of honesty, he would declare that "in Siberia, the cows are beautiful, not like in Slovakia", a statement which was probably the tipping point that left him rather unpopular with the cows of Slovakia. Our tourist would end his journey surrendering to the Ukrainian forces, after having been sent by the Russians to down FPV drones via shovel and force of will, but still carrying a phone full of propaganda material. He expressed a very strong desire not to be sent back to Russia, apparently finally growing disillusioned with the Siberian cows he so cherished.

The Emperor's New Vatnik In the summer of 2023, a Danish man felt living in what is routinely ranked as the second happiest place on earth, is just not really his thing. Eager to "save himself of decadent Danish values" such as a living wage and excellent healthcare, he decided to move somewhere as far removed from that as possible, Russia. Getting restless his legal stay in Russia was coming to an end by late 2023, he took up on the suggestion of a good Russian Samaritan friend, which I personally suspect might have been after the "refer a friend" bonus, to prologue his stay in Russia by signing a contract with the Russian Ministry of Defense. After several thorough reads of the contract written in the Russian he doesn't speak at all and multiple promises not to be shipped to the front, he cheerfully signed and, in a shocking plot twist, found himself immediatly shipped to the front. Fast forwarding into his journey, he ended up filling several complains with his employer about the total lack of hygiene in the dugout he now lived in. He appears to have been equally displeased with his trench mates constantly forcing him to drink vodka, as well as with their nasty habit of spitting on the dugout floor he's trying to keep clean. Following a lost lawsuit through which he attempted to invalidate his military contract, the decadent West will, with enormous effort, manage to ultimately save his life and get him out of Russia.

The Sorrows of the Young Vatnik In 2022, just as the Russian invasion started, a Russian immigrant living illegally in Germany, seemingly forgetting just why she was a Russian immigrant living illegally in Germany, decided to show the world that if you do properly apply yourself to it, you can very much annoy your way into getting deported. Mostly known before the war for her brief and rather unsuccessful appearance in Germany's "Let's Get Married" TV show, she figured the best use of her free time would be to show the world the better nature of the Russian people, which she proceeded to do by dancing Kalinka in front of Ukrainian refugees and constantly pestering them with the "Who owns Kherson?" question. In a constant attempt to answer the "no way she did that" question with "yes she did" and possibly concerned with people not quite fully grasping the inner workings of the "Russian soul", she began publishing videos of herself dancing to the sound of shells exploding over Ukrainian cities, a move than made her rather popular with the other Russians living in Germany. Having become quite a bit of an influencer, she started advising her compatriots to waste as much gas and electricity as possible "to support the Russian army", a helpful move that nearly collapsed the German economy and greatly improved the life expectancy of Russia's Scooby-Doo van assault battalions. Using several letters from the German police as toilet paper seems have been the bit that finally earned her a one way trip back to her beloved toilet-less motherland. She will eventually flee for Hong Kong after having lived for about a year in Russia, time in which she seems to have found herself as a repeated victim of domestic violence and mildly successful amateur adult star, thus having fully rediscovered the "traditional Russian values" and finally getting the answer to "Who owns Kherson?".

The Vatnik with the Dragon Tattoo In 2017, a very committed Trump voter, one suspiciously passionate about eugenics and racial purity, took a leap of faith and decided to move to Russia, having correctly identified it as the most suitable place to further pursue his very particular interests. A mildly successful barber by trade back in California, he quickly proceeded to open a barber shop in Moscow and later on, occupied Mariupol. Much like Californians inexplicably seem to have done, Russians took a good hard look at him and quickly decided he's just the man they wanna see handle sharp objects incredibly close to their heads. With his love of Trump only rivaled by his love of Putin, he began to express an interest in joining the "fight in Donbas", dreaming he could do his bit "against the Nazis", seemingly somewhat forgetful he routinely self-describes as one. Despite an almost monthly public announcement of his always imminent departure for the front, 7 years later he still seems to have never quite found the time to actually do it. Eventually faced with the prospect of being deported out of his beloved Russia, possibly for having run dry their ink reserves, he began writing letters of appeal directly addressed to Vladimir Putin, one of which spanned an impressive 17 pages and, although I have no proof, I'm tempted to believe was titled "My Struggle". Because every dog has its day and as proof that "dreams" sometimes do come true, I can somewhat confidently say the hero of our story was eventually shipped to the front and has long since met the "find out" part of his journey.

Tempting as it to partake in all of Russia's misery and suffering, if you value your life and your freedom, do not under any circumstances visit it. /end 🧵