Years ago, I lost a family member to commercial sex work. She contracted HIV and couldn’t accept it. Within two years,…

Years ago, I lost a family member to commercial sex work. She contracted HIV and couldn’t accept it. Within two years, it progressed to AIDS. I nursed her for three weeks before she died. I had her phone throughout and it kept buzzing 🧵

Boyfriends, clients. Almost all nameless…just numbers flashing across her screen via calls and texts, asking when she was free to hook up. Grief-stricken and angry, I began answering them and telling them to get tested. Some were in disbelief that she was dead. One sounded

Quite young and frightened. He asked to talk to me in person. I told him I was overseeing her funeral and couldn’t move but he was welcome to come and meet me. He started off for Chalala but never arrived. Must have lost his courage along the way.

But what shocked me most were the reactions from her married clients. I knew their marital status because she told me about them before she died. Her guilt and grief was for their innocent wives. When I spoke with these men, they were unsurprised and detached. I realized that

They knew her status because they themselves were already sick. It didn’t bother them. They were spreading the virus through their inability to control their lust and got to return quietly to their respectable homes. One or two had WhatsApp DPs of their wife and kids.

It’s important that you know who you’re marrying. You never really know a person and people lie, deceive, hide, manipulate and change but you can still vet them to the best of your ability. So many wives are living with an enemy masquerading as a husband.

Anyway, none of these boyfriends showed up at my loved one’s funeral. A few promised to contribute money but it was never sent. To them, she was a commodity, no longer available for use. I knew which ones she’d fallen in love with and the ones who liked her back as a person.

But they never showed up either. I scrolled through endless photos of her hanging out, grooving, shopping, smiling and laughing in all sorts of destinations. Life had been exciting, fun and easy for a while. Until it wasn’t. Her last words were “Alice, I’m sorry.”

Just when I thought she was gone, her eyes flew open again. I realized her guilt and regrets wouldn’t let her go. She had destroyed people’s homes. Destroyed her own life. Worst of all, she feared she had let her family down so badly we’d never forgive her.

So I soothed her. Told her she was loved and would always be loved. Gave her permission to rest. She listened as I spoke while holding her hand in a ward at Chilenje Hospital; she was the youngest in that ward. A place she didn’t belong in. She listened and finally rested.

May you never have to step aside so nurses can tie your loved ones limbs to control rigor mortis. May you never have to pick their farewell outfit and stand in a morgue as their lifeless body is being washed. Once a lively person, now a body…food awaited by maggots.

Much later, one married boyfriend showed up. He remains a contact of mine. He remains married and dedicated to his family and children. Perhaps as quiet penance, he offers me business opportunities from time to time. I marvel at how seamlessly people’s lives move on after a death

I like to say that we’re all living the same movie. Names and details may differ slightly but the script’s predictability is the same. With age and experience, you begin to see outcomes long before the players in the scene realize what’s coming.

What do the Bembas say about elders seeing seated what the young can’t see standing? Whenever you can, learn from the tired, old scripts of common scenarios. Patterns don’t lie. You don’t have to have your own personal experiences or wait to learn at great and irreversible cost.