rating all the alternatives to “kill yourself” jokes I have seen in these replies 🧵

rating all the alternatives to “kill yourself” jokes I have seen in these replies 🧵

NO HOSTS NO MASTERS 🏴&@the_corvidae · Aug 2, 2025

my friend kept making “kill yourself”/“I’m killing myself” jokes in public instinctively without thinking and needed a suitable replacement so the one I immediately came up with off the dome was “walk the plank” and it is ten times funnier

“be on the news” 8/10 - this one is really funny, the ambiguity makes it even funnier but I feel like you also could go oddly specific to greater effect, i.e. “I’m going to be on Dateline NBC this time next year”

“become a statistic” 3,5/10 - heavily depends what demographics you are part of, you cannot use this one directed towards other people only towards yourself which makes it not very versatile, overused joke, you can do better

“receive Canadian healthcare” if you are disabled in Canada: 7/10 - I get the gallows humor sometimes it makes things feel easier if you are not: 0/10 - you are not on the gallows you are cheering in the crowd, walk the plank you piece of shit

anything about “my 13th reason” 2/10 - old joke referencing an old show, so unbelievably overused, probably the least creative of all of these, it’s literally one of the worst works of art depicting suicide that exists, haven’t you seen The Menu? I promise you can do better

“explode”/“blow up” 6/10 - simple but very effective, not the most creative but it’s a reliable classic

“pee your pants”/“shit yourself” 7/10 - a little immature but in the end none of us are above a bathroom joke, the idea of saying “I’m going to shit myself” loudly in public is even more embarrassing and alarming than saying “I’m going to kill myself” but it is also funnier

“take a long walk off a short pier” if you are an italian mafia boss: 10/10 - self explanatory if not: 0/10 - be more creative

“take a lap” 5/10 - heavily depends on how old you are, a kid telling me to “take a lap” is absolutely hilarious but a grown adult saying it just doesn’t have the same flavorful sauce

“shuffle off this mortal coil” 4/10 - if you’re goth you get a pass but this is really boring and overdone honestly you definitely can do better

“I’m gonna call 911/the cops” 0/10 - ACAB

“log off” 1/10 - gamer cringe, extremely online, not as alarming as “I’m killing myself” but probably more embarrassing

“change the course of your lives forever” 7/10 - just referencing an existing meme so not very creative but I do really like that meme, not a lot of staying power but as long as you don’t overuse it I can see it having a place

“kill a hostage” unrated - this is a really good homicide joke but it is not a suicide joke and in my opinion not really a good replacement for “I’m gonna kill myself”/“kill yourself” because it conveys an entirely different message with a completely separate vibe, disqualified

“walk into the sea/ocean” 7/10 - really just a variant of my “walk the plank” idea which I would rate pretty much the same, it’s the delivery that either sells it or doesn’t

“do a flip” 9/10 - I have to admit I’m biased, this is one of my personal favorites and I use it frequently, has a sort of jolly jovial energy that is really pleasing to me, you just have to say it with a cheerful encouraging tone like you’re really excited about it

“become Anders DragonAge” 10/10 - niche, I am openly biased and I will admit it I don’t care, this one is probably my favorite

“eat glass” 6.5/10 - a real classic, similar to “explode” but the imagery it evokes is much more visceral, just rolls off the tongue, perhaps a bit overused, for the purpose of being a more socially acceptable alternative to “kill yourself” it is pretty much useless

to everyone who didn’t like the ratings you should explain the joke another 50 times maybe then I’ll finally understand it…… I’m sorry I’m so fucking sorry…….

okay I deleted the Tumblr jokes because none of you know how to read, peace and love <3 BTW if you guys found my tumblr account you would lose your fucking minds I think I have at least three times as many followers on there and I am significantly less filtered lmao

if you wanna hear some more of my thoughts on suicide jokes here’s a little thread but I think this is gonna be it for me, the joke had its moment but it’s getting very annoying now

NO HOSTS NO MASTERS 🏴&@the_corvidae · Aug 4, 2025

It is really very funny and ironic that a post about suicide jokes would go viral just as I happen to be writing about suicide, specifically about the connection between the stigma of suicidality and the suicidality rates of the subaltern/oppressed. Both annoying and useful.